Sunday, August 14, 2011

Matter of Time

Brother, tall, fine, popular.....Lot's of friends and smart.  Nothing was absent in the other, it was about charisma, it was about chosen path. One always looking for more when it was inside the whole time. It was a matter of time.

The quietness of one, the need for excitement in the other.  It was the fear for one, the lack of fear in another.  It was living the role portrayed in the movies for one, while the one chose what upbringing and society had deemed acceptable. He could have, he had the thoughts, but he thought of the consequences.  It was a matter of time.

It was the involution of drugs.  To be part of what was new, to be reigned king in a unknown soon to be released downfall of community, of one's self.    That which lined the pockets deeply lost it's value.  Defiling others nature, demeaning one by the taunts of look what I have, look what I can make you do.  It was a matter of time.

It was not Mack and Third, but there is a Mack and Third in every city.  Citizens driving by as if it is not there, never thinking of how easy it could be them.  Their minds racing "get a job."   Loyal souls devote time, aiding those less fortunate.  Families visit to drop off money, items, and cry as they leave still questioning how and why.

No matter the city, the human element is the same, eyes without a face.  Budget cuts have now evicted those in need of mental care to neighbor with those who are attempting to reach up.  Waiting list long for those seeking treatment for addiction, relapses occur before treatment. Faltering now to defeat. It's a matter of time.

 Residing with those who have lost hope. Their is no reaching, there is only existing..  Just as there is a grasp someone or something is stepping on their fingers. the grip is lost.  Bad things they happen, it's all divine, he saw it as such.  It's a mater of time.

The involution of values is when an otherwise convenient and decent system of values is taken to its inevitable logical conclusion and results in an indecent or inconvenient result.  This is what has happened in our society, the inclination of  addiction, mental illness, killings, poverty and lay offs  have been exemplified and eyes have become blind.. What can we do when the help is now fractured with budget cuts and give ups   It's a matter of time.

People can go from bad to good in the blink of an eye, so can I.  I did, it was a matter of time before I could find my way home, before I got it together.  It's a matter of time.

There is hope, there are dreams, there is achievement.  It's a matter of time before some get it together, where are you  in the equation to say that you helped.  It's a matter of time.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

How Can One Hate

I witnessed a woman today spewing hatred.  A blackened snake spewing venom.  What would make a person contain so much hatred?  How can one hold so much anger. What bitterness has been self-imposed to dominate this meanness.  Seeing a person angry, or having seen someone mad, but to be so belligerent in honestly seemed to be a sign of insanity.

We have a the ability to chose who we are and what we will contribute.  To be expressive of kindness and joy.  To exhibit happiness and positive attitude.  I have made a conscious choice, to show kindness.  Despite how I feel I know that I'm blessed, how can I then have a display a negative attitude.  What right do I have to take my feelings and then attempt to plant them on you.  I don't, I can't, but there are those who do.  We all have seem them and shake our head.

God bless the child who has it's own.  I thought of her past and maybe this could have an affect on her adulthood.  Life's journey was a bumpy ride for the child.  Is this where the resentment lies?

When speaking of the past the darkness of her skin is always noted.  Is this it, was her dark skin an area where she felt inadequate, displaced.  To overcome it she became mean and hateful.  Envious of others for her own skin color.  Relying on the length of her hair to define her, but not loving her self enough to overcome.

Allowing  her problems to bring her to the brink of stress and the reliance mood altering substance to mellow her defeated attitude. It's not working, it's not enough.  It keeps coming back, haunting, fanning the flames of delusion.  Not accepting responsibility for her own actions. she must now be boastful and spew the life failures on others.

The smiling face when she speaks of whites, it's as if the nastiness is enjoyable in her mouth.  God help her.  God helps us all, there our million of hers and hims in this world.  She is the first I have encountered.  She is the first that I can see a transition in her face, that is not her own.  The walk becomes heavy as she stomps around like a game hunter.  Who can she now prey.  That's how much the hatred governs her, how it has entrapped her.

It is amazing that a person feels that it's necessary that they must speak each thought.  Whether it slights another or hurts a person's feelings.  That neck turning, talking loud and the use of profanity insults one in hearing range.  It assaults every sense of ones being in ear shot.  Literally, assaulting because of the foulness encloses the entire area as if a gas has been released.  Negativity and unhappiness is not a joint connotation that anyone wants to be in arms reach.  An aura of an individual shows, and she wears the crown of black thunder.

It saddens me that her children are witness to this behavior and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.   Breeding more vengeful and intolerant individuals to spew their venom.  To be taught that white people are to be mistreated.  To hold themselves above authority.  To attempt to undermine and degrade anyone that they can mistreat.  To attempt to manipulate and use bullying techniques to get what they want.  Do I think laughter is after each play, no.  I believe that this is the way they they believe they have a right to act.  What sickens me is there is no remorse, no conviction, there is no seeing wrong.  She has no conscious.

The Bible says to pray for your enemies.  The Bible says to love.  The Bible says that I have a responsibility.  What I have decided to do is give it to God.  To say to Him that He is the only one that can take away her pain.  He is the only one that can heal her hurt.  He is the only one that can make her love another, to learn to love herself.  He is the only one with loving correction, convict her of her actions.  He is the only one that can take a child in a woman's body and make it whole.

ATT and Phillips

I hate the newest ATT Commercial.  The one which the husband sticks his head out the door and tells his wife that he has saved them money.  She looks at him with disdain and then proceeds to tell him she should have married another man.  It's such a demeaning response.  It's apparent that this man has had to feel rejection throughout this marriage from this bitchy woman.  Am I reading too much in it, maybe, but am I suppose to believe that a focus group found this acceptable?

My other complaint is my Phillips Go Gear Vibe MP3 player.  I hate it.  When I have to charge it it takes forever to update.  This is with a charge?  To download new music the process is easy BUT the updating process is forever.  Update...freeze...reset...update....freeze...reset. Ridiculous.  I spoke by chat with a Phillips Customer Service Rep last night.  Just wanted to noted that this Go Gear Vibe, priced at $60.00 is not worth it.  Answer...sorry we cannot find that you registered your product.  My recommendation to consumers, don't buy it.  The frustration level is not worth it.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Ain't Understanding Meloow

Ain’t Understanding Mellow

I recently heard it

It’s been well over ten years

Oh thank God for you
. we were able to see
Just how wrong we were

I wanted you to listen.

There was a time I would call
Could call
“Guess what I heard today”
and you would sing a line or two
say you remember and we talk about where we were
when we heard it
You probably have it in your collection.

For whatever reason
many reasons
maybe even none in particular
I found it very emotional
As a prose
Those lyrics
Try to make it easier for me
A personal reflection
Of you and me

You didn’t try to hide yourself

Oh no need to explain.

You’re the kind of man you are
To be so understanding
In honoring someone else
Their insecurities
You have but to count on me
Yeah ‘n I’ll be right by your side
I won't call.

Try to make it easier for me

For you

I just finished reading a book
I wanted to tell you about it
Recommend you read it.

Or better yet say
“You know what you should do”

Ain’t understanding mellow

So we could share
Tell you my favorite chapters
Concur on its statements
My amazement
A quality about myself that I
finally recognized
I thank God for you we were able to see
Just how wrong we were

The book, I just spoke about

If it had not just recently been written
I would believed that you had already read it
Embracing its concepts
Making it easy for me to accept its philosophy
I’ve seen them work in your life
The traits in you
Your perception about life
I’m glad I read it
It takes away the credit I’ve given you
There’s a man who understands
How hard it is to take your hand
And try to explain

Therein lies in you what I deemed
Your character
What I admired about you
I found it in a book
You have but to count on me
‘n I’ll be right by your side
You said that day would come
I would see you for who you were
O thank God for you
for it’s very nice to see
There’s a man who understands

Try to make it easier for you
And not pick up the phone
And say
Listen I just heard have you read help
guess what can you believe how are you
Your knew my voice
Recognized its emotions
There’s a gaping hole
Making me now reach out to
others to fill in a gap
Opening a new network

Oh thank God for you

Ironically you did me a favor

When I was satisfied with
the two tin cans
tied to a string
it was very effective
it had some semblance of a relationship
that was unique
a friendship of believing
that we really knew each other
You’re the kind of man you are

To be so understanding

I think of the word

Try to make it easier for me

And its definitions
Its connotation
The meaning
My decrypting and have yet
To understand what it had to do 
with you me our friendship
We were able to see just how wrong
we were.

I held onto our friendship that

..... wherever you go
You have but to call on me
I’m gonna be right by your side

You would be by mine

Now I believe something
Which you said about yourself
being a fucked up child...

Ain’t understanding mellow

One of your qualities
It’s all about efficiency
In all areas of your life
The book, the one I
Couldn’t tell you about
Call you
Speaks about the energy which is
Our thoughts that we pivot into the universe
comes back to us
Your generosity compassion
understanding humor helpfulness
thoughtfulness therefore
pivots into the universe
and returns to you
Adding to that you like to fix
those who are insecure
and that pivots back to you
Ain't understanding mellow
Our thoughts return to us as that
Oh thank God above
For your thoughts of me
Strong courageous secure
Ain’t understanding mellow.   

The Help

I haven't seen the movie, nor have I read the book.  I've lived it.  My mother was The Help.  She was called a domestic or a day worker.  It was her only employment.  From the time I was small she always had several different homes she cleaned.  From that profession and income she raised six children.

Mrs. SoandSo on Monday and Mrs. SoandSo on Wednesday. She normally worked three days a week when I was small.  She would leave early in the morning to catch a bus.  This bus ride would take her to some suburban area to clean a white family's home.

We would hear of the details of that home later that day.  My mother was very descriptive allowing us to use our imaginations.  Detailing we could tell you exactly what the house looked like.  The diagram of the home, layout of the furniture, name brand of the clothing and even the canned goods..  She would describe the cleanliness of the home and it would be anywhere from nasty to trifling.  Trifling was the word you never wanted her to call you, it meant you didn't try, didn't care and wouldn't amount to less than that.  One word, expressive of so many meanings.

You never had to ask, you could tell if it was an easy day by the way she dropped in the chair.  She didn't say to us but listening to her phone call,  she would tell of the Mrs asking her to do this or that, more than what she expected, more than she was willing..  My mother needing the money, needing the job, would politely state what she had already through their communication agree to do.  Nothing more nothing less.

We would hear of the children, spoiled, insolent, bratty or just downright rude.  We would take these things in and knew if we in any way, shape or form acted, said or behaved in this manner we would get our asses beat.   Not only did my mother teach us to be respectful, the lifestyle of these families told us, that in our behavior alone, we were better.

We heard about the beautiful furniture or dishes and the artwork, but how beautiful is something when the house is in turmoil.  We thought, we who have nothing (in comparison), had a mother who was not anxiety ridden, who did not have a hidden alcohol problem, who was not subservient in order to have the lifestyle that she wished, we had happiness.

Returning home sometimes with hand me downs that one of the six of us could fit she was tired.  Leaving home in the dark and returning home in the dark we did not assail her with our problems until she had sat and rested for a moment.  Then our onslaught would began of who did what, said what, didn't do.

She had spent three hours that day just on the bus or waiting for one.  Cleaned three to four bedrooms, living room, kitchen, rumpus room, laundry and two to three bathrooms.  Vacuuming, mopping and being asked did she do windows.  The expectation that someone would desire from another human for a days pay and bus fair was pathetic.  Some would say help your self to whatever you find to eat and others would place a sandwich on a table and call her to eat.  She never ate.  She never took anything, either.  She said people sometimes put things places to see if you would take it, such as change on a dresser.  They knew how much was there.  Or change on the floor, pick it up and place it where they can see it. Honesty was a must to be the help.

One male newscaster, a prominent figure at the time in our local news had skid marks in his shorts.  We would watch him and squeal with disgust.  My mother worked only a few times in his home before she quit,  keying the side of his wife's car as she walked out and down the driveway. This woman felt she had done my mother a favor in hiring her.  She placed out a sandwich made with dried out bread and a meat that was unrecognizable with it's hardened ends.  I can't remember if my mother refused eat or do a chore the woman requested,.  It really doesn't matter, we knew if  you pissed off my mother,  you pissed us off.  The newscaster called my mother, apologizing profusely for his wife's behavior and asked her to return, she said "no" maybe it was "hell no," I don't remember.  He didn't say anything about his wife's car. We told all our friends about his skid marked shorts and jeered at the television when he came on.

One family had a home so large that this was her steady income for years.  Going there three times a week enabled her to clean the house completely.  She loved this family, particularly the wife.  She and the wife had a friendship that was not assaulted by color.  Two woman wanting the best for their families.  The husband worked long hours, he was an orthordonist and he always showed my mother the highest regard.  Their home was a distant from the bus stop so my mother was picked up and returned to the bus stop.  She said she was offered when it was cold a ride all the way home, she declined.

It was an onslaught of emotions for both women when the found out that the Mister had a mistress.  My mother was there holding her hand through the betrayal.  The Mrs kept her head high and her esteem up from what I believe, my mother's inspiration.  She had a son that was diagnosed with cancer and my mother, again was with her while she cried.  When the son died we felt sad as well, my mother cried..  When you hear the stories of the families you feel as if you knew them..  When the Mrs later died, years after my mother had stopped working for her, my mother cried.  She had lost a friend.

My mother would go on to work for a family on another side of town for over 16 years.  Daily she went and it was the same.  It was a fast paced home, everyone seemed to have an urgency or a few lack of.  Empty dishwasher from last night's dinner, put in dishes from morning breakfast.  Start the first load of laundry, make the beds, clean the bathrooms, three.  Clothes in dryer, start another load.  Run sweeper in living room, sweeper in bedrooms.  Iron the shirts, dust mop the family room.  Unload the dishwasher, mop the kitchen, mop the bathrooms.  Take folded clothes to bedrooms, put away.  Go home, tomorrow would be the same.

On occasions when my mother had an appointment, one of her three girls would fill in.  We knew the routine. In later years my mother's health failed and we took turns going, my mother needed the income.  Eventually my sister took over the job and then my mother died.  A beautiful floral arrangement was sent to the church for my mom's service, very exotic, very large. 16 or 17 years she worked in their home, no one from that family attended her service.  It doesn't matter her funeral was standing room only.  My sister never went back, a call was made to our home, she never answered the phone.

The help knows more about you than you think.  Just because someone is cleaning your house don't think they don't see or know your problems.  The beauty of the help is, they don't tell.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

11:00 Lights Out

11:00 Lights out, that's my house.  My sister sleeps on the family room floor.  At eleven all the lights are turned off and we are now summoned to go to our rooms.  She has a bedroom with a queen size bed.   The room also has nightstands, two sitting chairs, a desk with chair, a cabinet with each shelf positioned just so with smell goods.  Her shoes are lined up as if they were little soldiers.  Each garment if not hung is folded just right in little see through tubs.

It seems as if no one else sees this as a problem.  It's now nine am and the she is still sleep.  The television can't be turned on in order not to disturb her.  My music which I normally play is not heard, why, because she is still sleep, snoring like a bear.

I find it an evasion.  Evasion on solitude as well as disturbing.  The disturbance comes to my mind that there is definitely something wrong.  To make a conscious choice to sleep on a floor whether than a bed.

She says that the bed hurts her back, not so, that I protest to.  It's as if she wants to keep her room just so, a shrine.  It is to say how perfect and clean she is, yet she sleeps where seven peoples feet have walked.  It is my feeling that if I put my complaint into the atmosphere there will be change.

The children when having sleepovers will soon be able to enjoy our communal space.  If one is not sleepy they can stay up and watch television to their hearts content.    To be beckoned that it's every one's bedtime, who are definitely of the age to stay up all night if they so chose, seems to me it's time for a family meeting.

I'll close now the offensiveness of her behavior and snoring is unbearable.  Oh did I tell you even during the day it's difficult to be in the family room with her?  It is, she is in control of the remote, the master of its domain.  The volume always going above level 22, changing channels at every commercial break, watching shows always about killings and paranormal, should I be worried?

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Remember Me

When you feel the wind it’s me kissing you
And when you feel the sun it’s my spotlight on you
And when you are in the darkness my arms surround you
You use to call my name
Remember me

I sent my son so the tears that fall should be you rejoicing
Did you know I’ve collected them all
I’m here to help you
There’s no reason to hide my love is there to lift you
Remember me

I’ve sent music to encourage you
My words to nourish you
Remember me

I have given you everything you need
When you felt alone I watched you
You had forgotten me
As you lay in bed
Sat in that chair
The things you said in your head
I heard them
I’ve listened to you scream
I saw the same things
You were so angry with me

Believing the lies that were told to you
You didn’t even want to think of me
When you hurt yourself
One more line, one more time,
One more cut, one more empty bed
Another drink, another lie
You had so much hatred
I saw everything
You didn’t want to remember me

So quickly the ones I love forget me

So my beloved
When you open your eyes
Remember me

With each breath you take
Remember I am in you

I said I would never leave you nor forsake you
Stop forgetting about me

When you feel the wind it’s me kissing you
With the sun I’m giving you strength
You can make it through
In the rain I’m cleansing you
And in the darkness when you feel alone
My arms are there comforting you
Remember me



What broke first? Was it the little girl broken by hands that said kneel and pray Was it by a touch Was it by words Did the little girl cry Did the little girl hold it inside Did she believe the threats Did she no longer care You wiped your tears and swore to you yourself that you didn’t care anymore Did you swear no one would ever hurt you again Did you wish you were dead Did you wish death He loves you and your journey began

What broke first?  Was it the words Was it the slap Was it the fist Was it the hand over your mouth Was it that no one heard you scream When you dried your tears you swore to yourself what as you wiped away the blood He loves you and your journey began

What broke first?  When you lost your child before they were born before they could own this world When your child was taken When you were told you would never be a good mother When you cried for another try and you failed again and you cried and there was no one to help dry your eyes He loves you and your journey began

What broke first?  When he walked out the door When he said he didn’t love you anymore When you walked in on him and her When you packed your bags and said goodbye didn’t say anything When you cheated on him When you were called slut tramp whore frigid cold When you begged cried pleaded and there was no one to hear He loves you and your journey began

What broke first?  When you were criticized blamed scorned judged neglected Told you were ugly nappy hair curly hair Too fat too skinny Too black too pale  Never to amount to anything Told you were a liar You were a liar You too quiet too loud Just like your mother Just like your father Just like your mother Your acting like a boy Your not the favorite I should have aborted you You’re adopted He’s not your father Not enough discipline too much When you cried and no one heard He loves you and your journey began

What broke first?  When you would prove them correct and became rebellious defiant uncontrollable filled with despair rage succumb to temptation contracted a disease sexually life threatening addicting He loves you and your journey began
What broke first?  When did the hate anxiety depression set it When you lost your job When you lost your home When you were homeless When you lost your wealth your confidence your self esteem your morals your values When you didn’t reach your goals felt lonely felt confused felt guilty felt ashamed fearful When you were broke bruised angry abandoned hurt distrustful dirty raped molested drunk prostituted prostituting abused abusive He loves you and your journey began

When you lost your self He heard your cries It was journey It is your journey You are walking towards your purpose He loves you Broken Woman He’s healing mending building restoring forgiving comforting you your losses will be your gain removing your pain He felt He feels You’re His child rise up and walk in your purpose Broken Woman You have the ability power choices control You have wisdom hopes dreams You have found Him can find His love is constant tireless unfailing He will give you power strength patience understanding He loves you He has forgiven you covered you by His mercy and grace You are His joy Your fragmented pieces that were destroyed can be put back together He remembers exactly who you are His child He loves you seek Him and you will no longer be

Vee My Joy and Pain

Joy and pain, This is what I told my brother he was to me and he was.  I even encouraged him to get it as his license plate, he never did.

Released in 1980, Joy and Pain was a song by Maze featuring Frankie Beverly.  The cover depicts blue clouds and a waterfall while the other side is red heat rising and the water flowing is live red lava.  Heaven and hell, God and devil, good and bad.  It has an upbeat tempo that makes your nod when you hear the introduction and then Frankie's voice wales through... a long vibration of  "hey and ohhhh" and life's lessons start to flow.

It was in 1980 when my brother began to be my joy and pain.  I take it back, he's been that to me all my life.  We always clashed.  We never sat next to each other, we never had anything nice to say.  It was not until years later that I found out why.

The song speaks of aspects that we have all experienced, or will.  It's a song that causes you to say "yeah."  "Remember when you first found love how it felt so good, thought it would last forever more, so you thought it would," and isn't that the case for most of us? Of course he's singing about a love we have in a relationship but I thought he would be with me forever or until we least grew old, older then what I am now.

  ".. suddenly the things you seen got you hurt so bad, so bad"  now that's bad when you have to add an extra one."  With him I experienced courtrooms, county jails, prison, allegations, addiction, money, his appearance, and his health.  Several times we were told by doctor's to tell him goodbye because he wouldn't make it, now that's some real stuff.  Tell him goodbye, even now it saddens me remembering standing next to his hospital bed to say what you can't say out loud, what he can't hear.  Not to be able to say what you really want to scream.  Fortunately, a reprieve was granted when he pulled through and to tell him hear him what I was thinking at the time and to hear him say "damn Tee."

Then zap...he was good, to be exact he was shining.  I didn't say it, others did.  He would come out of the hospital or out of jail or out of his addiction and he would shine.  I marveled at his resilience.  He was said to be invincible and this may have been the problem, maybe he thought he was.  The song goes on to say "how come the things that make us happy make us sad."

"Joy and pain are like sunshine and rain."  As in any relation "love can be bitter, love can be sweet"  and from our childhood riffs, it was.  When he was doing good, I didn't have to worry or defend him, ".the ones that you care for give us so much's alright, their both one and the same."  It is, and that was him, that was my brother.  Things that we characteristically wouldn't put up with another, for a sibling you do. Sure I would get mad and tell him so, sure we would fall out and he would stay away, but eventually we always made up.  He always said he was sorry, he always said he missed me.

"We go through life, going up and down."  This indeed we do, we take what life throws at us and keep it moving, this does not mean that we don't hurt in the process, we walk with it until he the road yields and it goes left.

"The things that turn you on, turn you around."  I say it for him and myself as well.  I say it for anyone when you get the wow factor. The factor that says it's alright, I'm not hurting anybody.  The factor that says it's my life.  The factor that says it's my prerogative, and you can't understand any one's concern.  The fact is that thing changed you.  The fact is one can see where it's detrimental to your being and you can't.  The fact is I'm losing you, your losing yourself.  From experience, what they can't see is not knowing how to fix it.

"When the world turns your around, love is somewhere around.," and it's only by this vessel that changes can be made.  Love brings it back, not judgement, disdain or anger.  It's the love that says I messed up, but you love me.  It's finding the love you have for yourself that was trashed with a reprobate behavior.  Already so many misgivings from the errors, already the hurt and shame, all is needed is love to make you shine. No one needs another enemy, especially when you've become your worse.

He was my sunshine and he was my rain.  I found Vincent dead Christmas 2009.

God had told me he would die, he also said we all have to die (an aha moment), but it wouldn't be from addiction, and it wasn't.  It saddens me that he was alone, I guess it was the way it had to be.  Another hospital stay would have heeded in history repeating itself in the doctors saying  tell him goodbye. God loving us the way he does, would have honored our request, this time He did it His way so He could have his son back  Now this outlook I give credit to my sister.  She had to tell me this which helped get me over a portion of my grief.

  That's what makes it grow it has to have both.

At a funeral there's lots of carnations.  At his there was only roses.  Lots and lots of roses.  I found it overwhelming, and it still is to me.  The same one that I loved the most, the same one that was my joy and pain, was just that to to others as well.  You don't give roses unless he was your and pain.

Friday, July 22, 2011

The Past

Wrinkled faces
each indentation telling a story
of a time past,
and whimsical dreams.

Indentations of tormented moments,
deep thoughts,
and life through squinted eyes.

The face once smooth
now hold wrinkles,
it can now cradle and contain
the tears that flow.

Happiness of birth and sorrow
from death,
driven aches of fear,
and the thrill from delight.

The past etched in the faces
like words etched in granite stone,
Dearly Beloved.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Some Him

I Love Me Some Him by Toni Braxton is another secular song that has spiritual connotation.  The lyrics "I love me some him, I'll never love this way again.  I love me some you, another man will never do"  It's straight forward from a spiritual and religious standpoint in becoming a christian.  I love you enough to be baptized in your name, I love you enough to know that you won't hurt me, nor will never leave or forsake me.  I know that I know with you I'll have eternal life. The love of Jesus is like no other and I want have that type of  love with another , it just not humanly possible.  That bond, oh what a fellowship, oh what a joy divine.   There is no rejection and it has nothing against man, it is what it is, a man humanly cannot do what Jesus does.

"You came along and changed my life, told me things would be alright and they were thanks to you.  Now I have strength to carry on,  for in my heart you have a home."  He changed my life, His word said I would have trials and tribulations in the world so I don't walk around on a cloud thinking I won't have problems; I've had them, I've got them BUT I can face them with confidence that He will give me peace in the midst of the storm.  I believe that "He Can Work It Out."

There are days when it's phew..I want to give up but I just sing "you came along and changed my life told me things would be alright" and I recant all the things he has brought me through "and they were thanks to you."  Just singing "I have the strength to carry on, for in my heart you a home," may have to sing it through more than once but it clinches in my heart, your there, you are with me. He is always with me.

 I believe that things will be alright  because I love me some Him...

He Loves Me The Way I Am

There is music that is secular yet it holds great meaning to me on a spiritual level.  The words may not have the connotation throughout the song, but a phrase can catch me.  A mere line capturing me, allowing me to to believe that's how I feel about Jesus or how He feels about me. " I know you love me the way I am" is one of those lines.

I'll Be Sweeter has a line that says "I always like to be on my P's and Q's, I don't want to miss nothing nice I can do for you,  I know you love me the way I am  but something inside of me says do more, do more if you can." To know that He loves me the way I am, that he sees in me what I can't see in myself.  To know that I can come to Him just the way I am and he can love me is amazing.  He, the author and finisher, already has seen my bottoms, my worst, my meanness, my wickedness, and nasty ways and said "I love you the way you are."  I didn't have to change or clean my act up first.  I didn't have to pretend or manipulate.  I didn't have to hide my fears or shame.  I didn't have to ...that's the point,  I didn't have to do anything and the outcome; He loves me the way I am..

"I"ve got news for you, good news  for you,  I'm going to be much sweeter to you than I was yesterday." That's what I tell Him.   It is my desire just as it was His desire to save me.  My love for Him unencumbers such an overwhelming joy that I wish to spread His word, His love, by my own words, by my own actions and my reaction.  It is from His love that I can be more than I was yesterday.

"You call me your sugar and spice girl, your everything nice girl."  Because he calls me girl.  Everyone has their own relationship and interpretation of what and how he speaks, and that's what I hear.  He says it sweetly and gently.  And when He is convicting me, He says it sternly, correcting me as a Father does.  It's like "girl, you know I love you. and I smile."

".I'm just trying to give you half as much as you've given me."  I don't owe Him anything, that's the beauty of His love,  but it's my choice, valuing the love I have for Him, to want to do more in His name. 

"I know I'm doing my job, but I'm going to give a little more love out of this heart,"  I've been appointed as an Ambassador for Christ.  I have a position, see the love?  Me, being who I was, who I am and He has seen fit to give me a position for Him.  He said I was part of a Royal Priesthood, that's quite an honor and He has commanded me to love.  Now that sometimes is a hard job, some people make it difficult to love.

Another line says " I'll get down on my knee's to do all I can."  Only in a spiritual nature, I do this.  Kneeling  I come to Him asking, not begging, for He said "I've never seen the righteous forsaken nor his seed begging for bread." But I kneel to say thank you, I love you, forgive me, help me, console me, strengthen me, embrace me.  I kneel for strength, encouragement, in sadness and despair.  I kneel simply to kneel because the mere action of doing so puts me in His presence..  

So when I hear I'll Be Sweeter I know it was sung for the love of a man, and that's what I hear, He was a man.

Remember ME

When you feel the wind it’s me kissing you
And when you feel the sun it’s my spotlight on you
And when you are in the darkness my arms surround you
You use to call my name
Remember me

I sent my son so the tears that fall should be you rejoicing
Did you know I’ve collected them all
I’m here to help you
There’s no reason to hide my love is there to lift you
Remember me

I’ve sent music to encourage you
My words to nourish you
Remember me

I have given you everything you need
When you felt alone I watched you
You had forgotten me
As you lay in bed
Sat in that chair
The things you said in your head
I heard them
I’ve listened to you scream
I saw the same things
You were so angry with me

Believing the lies that were told to you
You didn’t even want to think of me
When you hurt yourself
One more line, one more time,
One more cut, one more empty bed
Another drink, another lie
You had so much hatred
I saw everything
You didn’t want to remember me

So quickly the ones I love forget me

So my beloved
When you open your eyes
Remember me

With each breath you take
Remember I am in you

I said I would never leave you nor forsake you
Stop forgetting about me

When you feel the wind it’s me kissing you
With the sun I’m giving you strength
You can make it through
In the rain I’m cleansing you
And in the darkness when you feel alone
My arms are there comforting you
Remember me



I sent you words to a song

Hope you had a chance to read the lyrics, better yet, took the time to listen

Emotionally haunting, bearing emotions I can’t utter

I’ve been sober long enough to remember how good love is, your love is

Do you remember how good love can be, our love was

God, grant me the serenity

Did you lose faith in me, I once lost faith in myself
To accept the things I cannot change

Admittedly, I fell to pieces, destroying what I had, what we had 

Has our story ended, can we at least be friends
The courage to change the things I can

I can only live for today with its share of heartaches, all its pain
The wisdom to know the difference

Will you leave me here
God, grant me
Or will you walk away
The things I cannot change

Believe it or not, I’ve learned to listen
The courage to change things I can

Do I still hold a place in your heart, baby?

The wisdom to know the difference.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I Am History

I've made a conscious decision that as I search for the dead, what can I do to make my own name live on.  Let me make a clarification...I study, live, and breathe genealogy.  My search for the dead sounds creepy, but it's not.  It's an all inclusive embracement of comfort, at least for me.  Finding a piece of a puzzle that pertains to me, it is me.  I am history.

The past fascinates me.  An old neighborhood, the names of the streets and who used to live there.  Changes made to High Street; yet I can see it exactly as it was at one time....from Spruce to Fifth.

Yes, I have children who very well will have their own children, but what else?  What continues a name other than children?  Our contribution to society, the betterment of man and community?

Is this all that I have to represent that I have lived?  No, it will be the world wide web and the questions I have posed out there.

This is one way that it will be known that I was inquisitive and a pursuer of given definition to someone's life.  My genealogy pursuit leases out my own life and gives significant life to another.  Walking before me, paving a way, governing my freedom.  The dead fascinate me, as well as the past, departing from it to the future, the growth, their strength.  Given them now what they deserve, to be known.

This alone represents me historically.  This makes me history.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Ivy

"After I had been living there for a month I came to view its inaccessibility as some sort of corporate scheme concocted to discourage perspective residents from lower income level (i.e. those people who relied solely on public transit) from moving there.  Anyway, The Ivy, like all my other havens before it, became a prison."1

This is where I live.  Different name, same angle, same principle.  You have no reason to be there unless you live here, or visiting.  Children can play without fear in the street.  We always drive less than 25 miles per hour.  Running across the street, not looking left or right, I guess the premise is "kids will be kids."

You never hear a horn, it's as if they all have been disengaged.  You never hear a car door slam, you don't have to.  We are get in our cars from our garage, get out of our cars in the garage.

A very pretentious area, with tailored lawns, joggers run as early as 4:30 am, you can it's that safe.  In the evening strollers are pushed by mother and father as if in admiration for the area they live. The man thing done on Saturday...the hum of lawn mowers throughout the community.  Scattered throughout the community are the token or symbolic blacks who have arrived, to afford to live in this economical area.  Great school system which is why we live here.  But you can never let go of the corporate scheme of discouragement. Or is it just the great American dream and I see too much in it.  Nah, it's a prison.

pg. 55 Willow Weep For Me, Mary Nana-Ama Anquah, At One World Book, Published by The Ballentine Publishing Groups, Copyright @1998 by May Nana-Ama Anquah

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Tribute to Linda Jones

Spent the morning sitting on the front porch listening to my MP player thought of music that had a major effect on my life - emotionally.  Music when your young and in love. This of course would be many, but the ones that had an influence, played over and over....and it would be Linda Jones.

Linda Jones, soul singer and I mean soul.  Words to her songs were words you could feel, but not speak.

Linda was born December 14, 1944 in Newark, New Jersey.  Signed with Warner Brothers subsidiary Lorna Records in 1967 she released one of her best singles "Hypnotized."  In the top ten songs on Cheri's list, in Cheri's life this would be in top three.  Why....take the time and listen to it.  Hormones racing, cute boy, looking at him and oohing.  And strangely if given the chance you would be that song...."I'll do whatever you say, command me and I'll obey..." 

"What Have I Done (To Make You Mad)" released in 1967 when Linda says "she's been true," and "I gotta know, wanna know, just have to know now, baby."  You don't have to be a woman to question this, it happens in any relationship.  She's stunned, he's stunned and you don't have the answer. "What and the hell did I do?"

"I'll Be Sweeter Tomorrow" Why....simply because "I know you love me, the way I am."  If you can find someone who loves you the way you are....why wouldn't you want to do more, be sweeter than you were yesterday.  Released in 1970, this was my ultimate goal.....find someone to love me the way I am....dysfunctions and all.

Another song of hers that resonates within in me is "That's When I'll Stop Loving You" released in 1970.  Linda gives us many equations of when "I'll stop loving you." Birds no longer fly, raindrops no longer fall from the sky, one and one are no longer two, the rays of the sun  no longer give us heat.  Lastly, "when this old heart, refuses to beat."  Now that's love.  Whew!

"Not On The Outside" released in 1972.  Why....because "you think my heart is made of stone, when your near me there's no reaction, your wrong."  It's Linda speaking, talking about the feelings in the prelude of the song.  "When you smile at me and I don't speak, it's not that I don't care, Lord I'm so weak."  It's my life now.  I never stopped loving him.

Her last song released in 1972 was "Your Precious Love."  It's a song we have heard many renditions, but Linda sings with passion, strength especially when she says "darling, don't you know, that I love you too much,.  Now that's too me....Can't happen, won't happen.!  This does not make me dysfunctional...that I just am.

Sadly, Linda died March 14, 1972 due to a diabetic coma, sadly at age 28. 

Don't take my word for it...Listen to her, and believe me you will remember the time when you were once "Hypnotized."  Who he was or she was, only you'll know, but you will smile in remembrance.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Peace Be Still

My blog is Things I Know, Seen, Tell.  Then I'll tell about my day, this day, this moment in my life.  A morning when you wake and nothing is wrong but you feel lost, somewhat lonely and life wants you to believe its unforgiving. 

There's a soft breeze, that seems to precede a calm that is in the air yet my senses seem to reflect otherwise.  Listening to the outdoors I can hear the birds which seems like I am somewhere else, not here.  Their cooing and peeks seem a lot louder than usual. The trees are swaying and it's hard to believe we were in the mid-80's yesterday, yet today's coolness is inviting, welcoming the mood that I am in. 

A need to regain my inner peace seems to be persistent.  That's when I look to sky, and the clouds are white cotton ribbons, moving in a rhythm with streaks of soft, sky blue.  The flow is so effortless that I have to believe that God is breathing a soft breathe upon us all, and upon me....peace be still.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Your Voice

Barren and cold
snow is falling outside
and bitterness is in the air
a breeze, your kiss against my cheek
I feel you and have a since of peace
that takes my breath away
I hear you say "Tee, I'm ok."
Your voice is clear and crisp
my eyes feel with tears
thinking of you
finding you
and the love God has for me
granting me this peace once again
hearing your voice
hearing you say your ok.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Blessed Assurance

Honored by His assurance to calm my soul,
then, and only then,
can my mind, body, and soul
be strong to conquer and bear all things.

Then, and only then, do I write words that grip my soul.

Then, and only then, do I pursue the vision
that I've held in my mind.

Then, and only then, what I wish to convey frames itself.

Then, and only then, do you see what I feel.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Another Day

Another day and I'm on my way to work.  Finished my last cup of coffee and thinking there has to be a better way.  Thinking of the positives and asking God to remove the negatives.  Telling myself to remember my blessings, stay grateful and it could be worse and it has.