Friday, June 19, 2015

No More

I've put off the inevitable, admittance.  Admittance that you can love someone and not like them.  Do I love because we are blood or do I love because it is what God has commanded.  One would have to ask, you love only for that reason, command.  Can you love on command?  I have to, not much but every now and then a glimpse is shown and for that I can love.  Otherwise I can only see the lies, treacherous ways, deceit, manipulation and a foul mouth.  It is not just the cursing, it's the bragging of how her mouth can cut you, tear you down, as if that is a badge of honor.  My toleration is actually intolerable.  I try, I really do, but being in the same room makes me nauseous.   I can only pray.

The closeness of our bodies make me cringe. Pray that God forgives me, pray to accept what I cannot change.  Pray that the things that were said to me, about me I can forget.  Doesn't sound like I have forgiven, and to be honest I waver with this.  I tire easily of pretending, I don't anymore, I stay away.

Vocally I speak of this issue, but I believe it may be seen as dramatic.  Because the way a person is, doesn't make it/them right.  It's worst when everyone accepts what is wrong.  Giving a chance is not a risk i wish to take.  We must have boundaries and I particularly.  The urge to walk out to save my sanity presses upon me. The desire to cut raises it's ugly head, me or ?????  Isn't that foul.  So you see the dilemnia.

It's best that there's a separation, and I've given myself the answer, it's time.

Song for Angelique

Offering so much to the world or wanting to but your sense of worth is void.  I last seen you the smell of alcohol was apparent, from your breath, seeping from your pores.  Hugging you I questioned if it would be the last time. It was the same with Val. Clinging to you both I hoped I could give you life, and invisible gift to life long enough to forgive yourself, to accept Him, to be happy.

You didn't make it to the funeral on time and I know why.  I understand.  I was happy you showed.  I actually felt bad for those you left behind. I know the last two hours were torture for them having to hear you say you needed to go, the cries of grief and the stories you must have told about how much you loved him, how much he loved you.  He did, that no one can deny.

I cry for you as a mother cries for her child.  You haven't shown to pick up your letter.  You, the only one, he left something tangible here on this earth.  You haven't read it yet.  I understand it's too much for you to grasp.  It's emotional context was wishing you life, love and happiness.  Wanting you to find yourself and stop giving yourself.  He expressed his love for you and the love was to let you go so he could find happiness and peace. Letting you go has been a problem for you.  Always believing people let you go. They have to.  Words are not enough for you.  Words of assurance and love are heard by you, but not your heart.  That mind of yours needs adoration and you go here and there, as bird, perching here and there sitting pretty and singing your songs.

To those who wouldn't know.  He loved writing, he loved music.  He was gone and I heard a song.  It was as if he wrote it for you, but it was not his voice.  He left you a song that you have heard but do not know that not only did he leave you a letter, he left you a song.  The words are his desire for you and what it always has been. #fistfulloftears