Friday, June 19, 2015

No More

I've put off the inevitable, admittance.  Admittance that you can love someone and not like them.  Do I love because we are blood or do I love because it is what God has commanded.  One would have to ask, you love only for that reason, command.  Can you love on command?  I have to, not much but every now and then a glimpse is shown and for that I can love.  Otherwise I can only see the lies, treacherous ways, deceit, manipulation and a foul mouth.  It is not just the cursing, it's the bragging of how her mouth can cut you, tear you down, as if that is a badge of honor.  My toleration is actually intolerable.  I try, I really do, but being in the same room makes me nauseous.   I can only pray.

The closeness of our bodies make me cringe. Pray that God forgives me, pray to accept what I cannot change.  Pray that the things that were said to me, about me I can forget.  Doesn't sound like I have forgiven, and to be honest I waver with this.  I tire easily of pretending, I don't anymore, I stay away.

Vocally I speak of this issue, but I believe it may be seen as dramatic.  Because the way a person is, doesn't make it/them right.  It's worst when everyone accepts what is wrong.  Giving a chance is not a risk i wish to take.  We must have boundaries and I particularly.  The urge to walk out to save my sanity presses upon me. The desire to cut raises it's ugly head, me or ?????  Isn't that foul.  So you see the dilemnia.

It's best that there's a separation, and I've given myself the answer, it's time.

Song for Angelique

Offering so much to the world or wanting to but your sense of worth is void.  I last seen you the smell of alcohol was apparent, from your breath, seeping from your pores.  Hugging you I questioned if it would be the last time. It was the same with Val. Clinging to you both I hoped I could give you life, and invisible gift to life long enough to forgive yourself, to accept Him, to be happy.

You didn't make it to the funeral on time and I know why.  I understand.  I was happy you showed.  I actually felt bad for those you left behind. I know the last two hours were torture for them having to hear you say you needed to go, the cries of grief and the stories you must have told about how much you loved him, how much he loved you.  He did, that no one can deny.

I cry for you as a mother cries for her child.  You haven't shown to pick up your letter.  You, the only one, he left something tangible here on this earth.  You haven't read it yet.  I understand it's too much for you to grasp.  It's emotional context was wishing you life, love and happiness.  Wanting you to find yourself and stop giving yourself.  He expressed his love for you and the love was to let you go so he could find happiness and peace. Letting you go has been a problem for you.  Always believing people let you go. They have to.  Words are not enough for you.  Words of assurance and love are heard by you, but not your heart.  That mind of yours needs adoration and you go here and there, as bird, perching here and there sitting pretty and singing your songs.

To those who wouldn't know.  He loved writing, he loved music.  He was gone and I heard a song.  It was as if he wrote it for you, but it was not his voice.  He left you a song that you have heard but do not know that not only did he leave you a letter, he left you a song.  The words are his desire for you and what it always has been. #fistfulloftears

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Matter of Time

Brother, tall, fine, popular.....Lot's of friends and smart.  Nothing was absent in the other, it was about charisma, it was about chosen path. One always looking for more when it was inside the whole time. It was a matter of time.

The quietness of one, the need for excitement in the other.  It was the fear for one, the lack of fear in another.  It was living the role portrayed in the movies for one, while the one chose what upbringing and society had deemed acceptable. He could have, he had the thoughts, but he thought of the consequences.  It was a matter of time.

It was the involution of drugs.  To be part of what was new, to be reigned king in a unknown soon to be released downfall of community, of one's self.    That which lined the pockets deeply lost it's value.  Defiling others nature, demeaning one by the taunts of look what I have, look what I can make you do.  It was a matter of time.

It was not Mack and Third, but there is a Mack and Third in every city.  Citizens driving by as if it is not there, never thinking of how easy it could be them.  Their minds racing "get a job."   Loyal souls devote time, aiding those less fortunate.  Families visit to drop off money, items, and cry as they leave still questioning how and why.

No matter the city, the human element is the same, eyes without a face.  Budget cuts have now evicted those in need of mental care to neighbor with those who are attempting to reach up.  Waiting list long for those seeking treatment for addiction, relapses occur before treatment. Faltering now to defeat. It's a matter of time.

 Residing with those who have lost hope. Their is no reaching, there is only existing..  Just as there is a grasp someone or something is stepping on their fingers. the grip is lost.  Bad things they happen, it's all divine, he saw it as such.  It's a mater of time.

The involution of values is when an otherwise convenient and decent system of values is taken to its inevitable logical conclusion and results in an indecent or inconvenient result.  This is what has happened in our society, the inclination of  addiction, mental illness, killings, poverty and lay offs  have been exemplified and eyes have become blind.. What can we do when the help is now fractured with budget cuts and give ups   It's a matter of time.

People can go from bad to good in the blink of an eye, so can I.  I did, it was a matter of time before I could find my way home, before I got it together.  It's a matter of time.

There is hope, there are dreams, there is achievement.  It's a matter of time before some get it together, where are you  in the equation to say that you helped.  It's a matter of time.


Saturday, August 13, 2011

How Can One Hate

I witnessed a woman today spewing hatred.  A blackened snake spewing venom.  What would make a person contain so much hatred?  How can one hold so much anger. What bitterness has been self-imposed to dominate this meanness.  Seeing a person angry, or having seen someone mad, but to be so belligerent in honestly seemed to be a sign of insanity.

We have a the ability to chose who we are and what we will contribute.  To be expressive of kindness and joy.  To exhibit happiness and positive attitude.  I have made a conscious choice, to show kindness.  Despite how I feel I know that I'm blessed, how can I then have a display a negative attitude.  What right do I have to take my feelings and then attempt to plant them on you.  I don't, I can't, but there are those who do.  We all have seem them and shake our head.

God bless the child who has it's own.  I thought of her past and maybe this could have an affect on her adulthood.  Life's journey was a bumpy ride for the child.  Is this where the resentment lies?

When speaking of the past the darkness of her skin is always noted.  Is this it, was her dark skin an area where she felt inadequate, displaced.  To overcome it she became mean and hateful.  Envious of others for her own skin color.  Relying on the length of her hair to define her, but not loving her self enough to overcome.

Allowing  her problems to bring her to the brink of stress and the reliance mood altering substance to mellow her defeated attitude. It's not working, it's not enough.  It keeps coming back, haunting, fanning the flames of delusion.  Not accepting responsibility for her own actions. she must now be boastful and spew the life failures on others.

The smiling face when she speaks of whites, it's as if the nastiness is enjoyable in her mouth.  God help her.  God helps us all, there our million of hers and hims in this world.  She is the first I have encountered.  She is the first that I can see a transition in her face, that is not her own.  The walk becomes heavy as she stomps around like a game hunter.  Who can she now prey.  That's how much the hatred governs her, how it has entrapped her.

It is amazing that a person feels that it's necessary that they must speak each thought.  Whether it slights another or hurts a person's feelings.  That neck turning, talking loud and the use of profanity insults one in hearing range.  It assaults every sense of ones being in ear shot.  Literally, assaulting because of the foulness encloses the entire area as if a gas has been released.  Negativity and unhappiness is not a joint connotation that anyone wants to be in arms reach.  An aura of an individual shows, and she wears the crown of black thunder.

It saddens me that her children are witness to this behavior and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.   Breeding more vengeful and intolerant individuals to spew their venom.  To be taught that white people are to be mistreated.  To hold themselves above authority.  To attempt to undermine and degrade anyone that they can mistreat.  To attempt to manipulate and use bullying techniques to get what they want.  Do I think laughter is after each play, no.  I believe that this is the way they they believe they have a right to act.  What sickens me is there is no remorse, no conviction, there is no seeing wrong.  She has no conscious.

The Bible says to pray for your enemies.  The Bible says to love.  The Bible says that I have a responsibility.  What I have decided to do is give it to God.  To say to Him that He is the only one that can take away her pain.  He is the only one that can heal her hurt.  He is the only one that can make her love another, to learn to love herself.  He is the only one with loving correction, convict her of her actions.  He is the only one that can take a child in a woman's body and make it whole.








ATT and Phillips

I hate the newest ATT Commercial.  The one which the husband sticks his head out the door and tells his wife that he has saved them money.  She looks at him with disdain and then proceeds to tell him she should have married another man.  It's such a demeaning response.  It's apparent that this man has had to feel rejection throughout this marriage from this bitchy woman.  Am I reading too much in it, maybe, but am I suppose to believe that a focus group found this acceptable?

My other complaint is my Phillips Go Gear Vibe MP3 player.  I hate it.  When I have to charge it it takes forever to update.  This is with a charge?  To download new music the process is easy BUT the updating process is forever.  Update...freeze...reset...update....freeze...reset. Ridiculous.  I spoke by chat with a Phillips Customer Service Rep last night.  Just wanted to noted that this Go Gear Vibe, priced at $60.00 is not worth it.  Answer...sorry we cannot find that you registered your product.  My recommendation to consumers, don't buy it.  The frustration level is not worth it.