Friday, June 19, 2015

No More

I've put off the inevitable, admittance.  Admittance that you can love someone and not like them.  Do I love because we are blood or do I love because it is what God has commanded.  One would have to ask, you love only for that reason, command.  Can you love on command?  I have to, not much but every now and then a glimpse is shown and for that I can love.  Otherwise I can only see the lies, treacherous ways, deceit, manipulation and a foul mouth.  It is not just the cursing, it's the bragging of how her mouth can cut you, tear you down, as if that is a badge of honor.  My toleration is actually intolerable.  I try, I really do, but being in the same room makes me nauseous.   I can only pray.

The closeness of our bodies make me cringe. Pray that God forgives me, pray to accept what I cannot change.  Pray that the things that were said to me, about me I can forget.  Doesn't sound like I have forgiven, and to be honest I waver with this.  I tire easily of pretending, I don't anymore, I stay away.

Vocally I speak of this issue, but I believe it may be seen as dramatic.  Because the way a person is, doesn't make it/them right.  It's worst when everyone accepts what is wrong.  Giving a chance is not a risk i wish to take.  We must have boundaries and I particularly.  The urge to walk out to save my sanity presses upon me. The desire to cut raises it's ugly head, me or ?????  Isn't that foul.  So you see the dilemnia.

It's best that there's a separation, and I've given myself the answer, it's time.

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